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apollianaThere's a sensation (energy? state of mind?) I miss--the sense of walking through a new city on a clear day in the fall or winter; the sense that everything there is to be discovered in the world is there around you, separated from you only by crisp, easily traversible air. (That sounds cornier than I mean it to.) The sky has to be big, water near; everything capable of being thought about seems close; other people seem close for that reason, too. Everything is possible; everything is intelligible.
Part of this is feeling like part of the same world as other people, preferably a community of people, with whom you share a lot of things, enough to make them intelligible, accessible, promising, not threatening. If I have a home, this feeling is it; and half the time I don't know where it is, or how to get there. What I do know is that it is blue.
It's easy to do things there, to see what to do. (Though not to go from imagining a space of possibilities to an imaginary life; I can't imagine imaginary lives.) It's much harder to find that kind of energy when disconnected from that sense of possibility. So I rearrange furniture or do things online, to try to make other places that will remind me of the sense that the world is open and all within my reach. Lately with little success.
Part of this is feeling like part of the same world as other people, preferably a community of people, with whom you share a lot of things, enough to make them intelligible, accessible, promising, not threatening. If I have a home, this feeling is it; and half the time I don't know where it is, or how to get there. What I do know is that it is blue.
It's easy to do things there, to see what to do. (Though not to go from imagining a space of possibilities to an imaginary life; I can't imagine imaginary lives.) It's much harder to find that kind of energy when disconnected from that sense of possibility. So I rearrange furniture or do things online, to try to make other places that will remind me of the sense that the world is open and all within my reach. Lately with little success.
